Sharing x

Reading Michelle’s latest message and Claudia’s wise words about love have helped me to uncover a deep feeling anger and sadness. It has helped to push my buttons.



A few years ago, my family and I had all experienced difficult challenges, both as individuals and as a whole.



I was poorly, newly diagnosed with M.E. I had reached a stage when I could no longer speak, my mind felt as though it would crash if I heard too many words. A couple of my physical symptoms were extreme pain and exhaustion.



I had just moved in to my sister’s new house, as I had spent the past few years staying with different members of my family. Both known and unknown, I found it very unsettling.



So I had arrived in a new area, to live with two of my sisters. My elder sister had just been head hunted and moved to Bristol, my younger sister going through bereavement. My health declined further and a few months later, I was living on my own.



It was very difficult, so I was greatly relieved when my parents moved in with me. I know that it must have been incredibly difficult for them, to see me this way. I would collapse when walking across a room or not have the energy to move in bed. When spoken to too, at times I could only move my eyes, which were often full of the pain I was in. My mum, not knowing how to speak to me, spoke as she would to a little child frustrating me further, yet not being able to express it.



I could see my parent’s pain, and felt terrible, as though I was such a horrible daughter. A few months passed and they moved out, leaving me to live on my own, without any friends or any form of support.



From the day I was diagnosed, I was determined to get better, always reassuring my family that I’d be fine. Yet I felt as though everyone just kept leaving me. I felt abandonment and rejected. My illness was like a loud secret, I was later told that no one knew due to my constant reassurances, yet they lived with me and left, seen me with their own eyes.



Apart of me has been waiting for my mum to come back and accept me.



I understand that each and every one of them offered me all the love and support they could at that time. It is time for me to fully digest this, and let it go.



I am no longer the same person; I have learnt and gained so much. It has been an incredulity journey of self discovery and healing.



The un-ease is no lurking longer deep within me, asking for help hiding as physical pain or vague shadows of sadness. Thank to our sharing, the light of my consciousness fully shining upon it. I now loving accept my feelings and allow them to pass through me, creating space for a deeply level of love and forgiveness to flow into.



With Love

Katie x x x