Monday 8th October
The bank called today spoke to a nice lady, still feeling embarrassed about my financial situation especially when I speak to someone I owe money to but I feel equally proud that I put money in the bank and paid some bills even though it was not all that I owed. It feels good to pay bills never thought I would feel that how strange. The bank called twice more different people this time asking the same question as the first lady, normally I would get agitated that I was called more than once about the same thing but not today, I am uncannily calm and it doesn’t bother me as much as it would.
A couple of times today I have caught my eye in my reflection in the mirror and I have taken the time to acknowledge to my self how beautiful I am, this is so different to where I was 5 or more years ago up until that time I had perfected looking at myself but never looking at my face, not really sure how I managed it but I did. Five years ago I became familiar with my face but did not like /appreciate what I saw reflected back. It’s funny as I wasn’t aware that I did not like/appreciate what I saw until a friend pointed out to me that I was not aware of how beautiful I was (this memory still brings tears) when I began to look at my face I felt nothing.
Things are different now I realise how beautiful I am and I can say out loud and to myself “I love who I am” I even seem to have a twinkle in my eye.
Tuesday 9th October
Things haven’t gone to plan today (don’t do planning normally), had planned to go and see some one that I done a reading for and was not able to find my Travelcard. I take this as a sign that I am not meant to go and I give her reading over the phone. It’s actually pouring with rain today and has been all morning, I was looking forward to going out as at times I can be a bit of a recluse and not go out unless I have to.
Getting pains in my chest again, sometimes it feels like someone is boring a hole right through me from the back.
I’m feeling really…strange today, kind of uneasy inside…like there’s a world wind inside of me. Maybe it’s just frustration I’m not sure, I do know that I miss kissing, I have not kissed anyone for over 2 years and it’s something I love to do and miss it dearly. I find myself saying out loud ”a girls got needs you know” and “a good snog and money in the bank to pay my bills is that too much to ask” Love and money it’s always the way isn’t it. I felt guilty about being so demanding of God and the Angels but it didn’t stop those words from being repeated throughout the day. Doing this did make me laugh out loud to myself. I decided to go for a walk in the rain; I needed to be out in the rain and air. Still found myself repeating my ‘mantra’ it kept me smiling and laughing at myself. It feels good to laugh even at myself. I go out again after making my dinner, while out I feel drained and decide that I am going to go to bed when I get back and maybe eat later. When I awake I feel like I should have stayed in bed.
Wednesday 10th October
Still getting pains in my chest, it comes from no where and does not leave any lingering feeling when it goes although when it’s there it feels like it will. I think it’s my heart chakra developing; I have had these feelings before but not with such intensity or such a length in time.
I get a couple of phone calls today about late payment of bills, I agree to pay some money which is actually less than they want but all I can afford, they seem to be happy I am paying something. So it pays to ask when you need help, this is obviously a lesson I need to learn as I know it’s something I do not do. I am always willing to help but I never ask for help to proud I think, I need to let that go. When I think about it, how can I help people and expect people to come to me for help, if I cannot do it. ’there is no shame in asking for help’ I hear in my ear, need remember that. ‘shame’ interesting word to use however I identify with it as it is a word I have used for myself in the past.
Thursday 11th October
Woke up today feeling OK, got another plan for the day. 3 readings to do and type up and send and I really want to get them done. After preparing the pain in my chest is back and I also have a pain in my solar plexus. After I finish the first reading the pain intensifies and my headaches are back and I begin to think I have not cleansed my chakras properly. I relax a bit and breathe through the pain and it subsides. I prepare for the next reading but decide instead to go back to bed, I feel whacked out. Strange that, as I have only been awake for 3 hours. I sleep for most of the day, have some really strange dreams and wake up feeling refreshed. I complete my readings and feel good but I decide to type them up the next day.
Friday 12th October
Jade came home yesterday, doing her hair today. We laugh and talk better than we have done before and I remember to thank the Angels and tell them how grateful I am, a couple of years ago things were very different.
Job centre first thing this morning and I decide to walk back, it’s not too bad there today apart from the 5 people that ambush you at the door what’s that all about. The guy that speaks to me actually looks at me today, he seems nice, not like the last time I was here the guy barely acknowledged me apart from calling my name. Still I suppose it’s not a great job that they have to do.
I get back home eat go to the shops and do Jades hair it takes me most of the day, I use to be a hairdresser but I did not have confidence in my speed or styling ability (although this was not the reason I stopped being a hairdresser). Just before blow drying Jade points out something she’s not happy with, I take offence to it but say nothing, I realise I have given away my power by taking offence but knowing this changes nothing. By the time I actually finish Jade points out something else she’s not happy with, for me they seem insignificant but she feels they need to be mentioned. Looking at her hair I feel like I have done a good job but her comments change the way I feel. While in my room I try and understand where my feelings come from and realise her comments reminded me of when I use to do my Mums hair and Jades Dads hair. They both always found something to complain about and I use to dread doing their hair but still did it and they complained every time. I try to explain this to Jade, not with all the detail about her Dad and my Mum but just the fact that the end product wasn’t satisfactory. She try’s to tell me that she was not complaining and we seem to end up in a discussion of us trying to explain how we feel and what we mean, it’s a conversation that could go on all night till we both realise that as usual we are different and see things differently.
I can’t seem to shake the feeling of not being appreciated. After Jade goes out I feel…restricted, I need to get some air. Feeling extra lonely all of a sudden which is my code for I could do with a good snog, someone to hold my hand just to be there really. While walking I feel like I’m dragging myself around but I’m not bothered and I go with the flow, by the time I get home I feel a little better. I know good things are coming; I’m just getting a little impatient.
Saturday 13th October
I feel much better today refreshed and full of the joys of spring (I know it’s winter), I realise that this week was as it was for a specific reason. I’ve always said to people you have to experience sadness to know what happiness is. I believe my lesson this week has been to:
1. Prepare me for all the good that’s to come.
2. Remind me to allow my feeling to be all that they are and not hide from them, disguise them or disregard them. I am really good at doing all these things but this week I felt my feelings in all their entirety and it was uncomfortable but also empowering at the same time.
3. There is strength in vulnerability no need for a stiff upper lip.
I wanted to share my week with the hope that it might help us all to remember we are
not the only ones going through a roller coaster of emotions and there’s
no need to hide, when we do we are only hiding from ourselves.
Much Love
Claudia xxx
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